You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
My liver is preforming stress tests.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
