She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
