There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
