Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
