At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
