i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I would ride that face into the sunset
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
