Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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