She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
We were destined to go to rehab together
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Randomize
