I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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