i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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