I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
