kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
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