booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Randomize
