I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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