The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
