Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
