just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
