I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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