I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Swine flu is the new snow day.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Floor bacon is actually really good
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
