Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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