Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
