I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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