If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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