Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
