note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
