im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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