can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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