she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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