I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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