Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.