You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together