I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i will never coherently bang her
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.