Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
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