I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.