M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
