My balls are so social today.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize