i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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