Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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