i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
