last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit