he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
