If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
