I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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