Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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