if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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