Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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