I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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