that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
What a dumb baby whore.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
