I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
