I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
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Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
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You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.