I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
