Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
This is my gift to your gina
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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