Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
