i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Enjoy the penises
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
