I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
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Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
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i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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