She went from zero to smokin in five shots
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
