i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
