I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
