Need sex. Gaining weight.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
