there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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