Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
