but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
