drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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