She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
