Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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