im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
